think about the THINKING when you are “thinking”…..

to begin with, let me ask me a question. What makes you leave bed?

to woo him/her ?  If not, you will be late to office ?

its your turn to drop the kids to school ?

you live as per a schedule ? tired of sleeping ? hungry ?

whatever may be the reason we make a decision to leave our bed to start a day (or night for some people). once we are up, we have to keep on making decisions, trivial or tougher.

some people choose to have “come what may” attitude and try to be crazy, react spontaneously, act on the spur of the moment with whatever comes to mind.

Some prefer to lead a schematic monotonous life. designated time to do everything from wake up to good night.

And the last type which is more common is corporate. Working hard on weekdays and chilling out on weekends thinking they are the coolest and they have the optimal mixture of monotonous and craziness life styles. Alas!,  they too are monotonous in a way if you look at a bigger picture.

Nevertheless, this article is not about the life style or I am not gonna criticize/admire any way of living. But at one particular point of time be it any guy from the above life styles, will definitely wonder about.

what this is all about ? what is the race ? Is this worth ?

and very few people realize that “this is a mad rush to no where….”

that came out a bit philosophical than I thought, never mind. The verb I am trying to focus on here is Think.  The way we think is based on the way we learn. We learn as per what we see/read/experience and mostly by whatever our parents say.

Irrespective of the source of knowledge once we know certain things we start making decisions. Facts/factors/inclinations/effects will be involved in making a decision. Once we are a bit familiar in making decisions(choosing), the earlier made decisions will be base-lined(will be taken as base)/considered as THINKING(or your instinct).

As we move on, we don’t really go back to the basics of decision making (facts/factors/inclinations/effects) while deciding something. Basing on this THINKING there are many games/puzzles/exercises invented, asking you to tell what comes to your mind first upon hearing some word or they will be some stupid questions and you need to pick one answer. So that your answers will reveal your THINKING. They are right up to some extent, because most times we don’t really think it through as we don’t think beyond THINKING.

Coming to the purpose of the article, its necessary for us to keep visiting our base-lined decisions/instinct/THINKING frequently and change the base if necessary. Because the factors/facts/inclinations what you had at the point of making that base-lined decision might not hold good today. Some times changes may fan out very badly, still we need to do it, because Live and Learn is much better than being boring and dead.

P.S: I am not at all an over thinker of the situation. 🙂 all I wanted to say is  give a second thought to your decisions by thinking about your THINKING. !

Actual Penned Date: may 27, 2014

Identity Crisis

Identity, irrespective of people admit it or not, everyone wants their own identity, fair enough. As to portray that they are not the same as the other 7billion on this earth; everyone wants to be unique in their way.
But at the cost of, ruining a relation? Or breaking a heart/trust?

“She/He has to come for what I am  …”    (line 1)
“This is what I am and this is what I will be I am not going to change for any one ….”  (line 2)
“If I keep changing myself one day I will not be what I was.”   (line 3)

Most times when I ask the question, why you guys break up, these are the lines that were thrown at me. But for me these answers sprouted more questions. But didn’t ask them as the questions of courtesy should end at that point.
Anyways here I want to express my thoughts on these answers.
(line 1) At first She/He came for what you are. So how can it be the same reason for you to break up? Could it be something else that you are missing?
(line 2) Priorities change. Per say, you wake up by 7 am daily. But for some reason office timings got changed or you are posted to a different branch. So you try to wake up by 6 or 6 30. Here you changed yourself for whatever the reason. So why can’t she/he be the reason for any other change in you?
(line 3) Time changes everybody. Now you don’t look the way when you are 5 years old. You don’t think the same way you already did if you are stuck in solving a problem. For that matter you might not be having same opinion about something what you had ten years before. So you will be never what you were. Perspective changes. Why can’t She/he might bring you a new perspective.

The only answer I can think of all these questions and the identity crisis is not actually about identity.
Prior to the point of break up, they actually do things that they don’t like for their partner’s happiness. They don’t seem to remember their so called identity at that point of time. But from then it can be two paths that leads to break up.
One is you keep doing things for her/him but not being reciprocated properly from your partner. Using technical jargon, a point of threshold reaches where you actually start worrying about the difference between what you give and what you get.
Two, irrespective of you reach the threshold or not, you might end up in a situation where you have to do something that you really don’t want to do or let go of something that affects your passion or any other big thing for you.
In the first case you could have open up and say what you feel.
In the second case you can tell that you don’t want to do it because of all your personal inclinations are in the other way round.

Both the cases, to end it or not is completely left to your discretion. But what I point here is Identity is not the reason for you to break it off. You do a million things that break your identity, but only thing is you are blind to notice that when you choose to do it.
The truth is Identity is just a word they use to defend themselves when they have to do something that they don’t want to do OR they have to let go of something that they really can’t.
That’s it! and this is not just limited to love or relations, we can see this crisis for identity everywhere. For me it seems like fighting a battle and win over in one face but you keep loosing it to yourself.
On a different note, I really want to know what identity is. I hear some people saying.
 “I am not like others, I do things differently …”
Is it really possible? Are they really unique? Are there really 7 billion different IDENTITIES living here?!!

Actual Penned Date : April 27, 2014

Plagiarism

I really don’t give in to the word plagiarism.

Everything that I write here – is what came out of my mind unless OTHERWISE mentioned.

Words of mine may sound similar or it might be a déjà vu for you. Trust me with minor/major difference of acts most of us live the same lives, so do I. If you think you already came across something that you see here, it may very well due to the overlap of environment for we live in.

If you come across the stuff that you know already, do bear in mind that most things what we are doing now or talking now, be it science or any damn thing it already existed in past and thought by our ancestors.

So it’s always a different man speaking the same thing or doing the same thing at a different point of time. We really don’t have anything that is real novice. That’s the sad truth.

For that matter, I would like to point out that Bhagavad Gita on the fields of Kurukshetra itself is a repetition of what Lord said long time ago to Sun.(I do respect Gita, the excerpt is just an example. No offence meant, not ready to take any offence too)

So to conclude be it intentional act of copying or a random coincidence of happening, we don’t need to really crib about the word plagiarism. That is the imminent part of our lives/world.

Actual Penned Date : April 26, 2014

Dooms Day - My Day - THE END

Chapter – 9

THANK YOU

December 21. 2021 

Five years passed by since shruthi left this world. The same day hari turned ten. I went to his room that morning to wake him up and wished happy birthday. He also wished me happy birth day. We quickly got in to our new clothes and hurried outside.
We went to the grave yard and wished shruthi also happy birthday by placing white roses, her favorite, on her tomb. Next we went to temple and did some archana in our names.  After that we went to a shopping mall to buy an x-box. I promised hari that I will gift it to him on that birthday. We went to newly released James bond movie called the last eagle. After that we went to a restaurant and had nice lunch and came home.
That night we called for a big party at our place.  After five years I was celebrating my birthday at a large scale. For hari it was the first big celebration. He was so excited about the party. All these years we celebrated, but kept to ourselves. This time he invited his school friends and I invited my friends and colleagues. Holding my hand in his left hand hari introduced me his friends, pointing with his right hand. The same way shruthi used to hold my hand and move at parties. I also introduced hari to my colleagues. We both cut the same cake which was in shape of Mickey Mouse, hari’s favorite. The party went very well and hari was extremely happy. Even I am happy for him. As he waved bye to his last friend who left, hari came running towards me and hugged me. As he hugged his hands came up to my last rib, he pushed his head towards my belly with bliss. He has grown up, able to express his feelings better.
That night we both played with the newly bought x-box till mid night. Before going to sleep we saw the new Tom and Jerry series, which was gift to hari by some school friend. As hari fell asleep watching the cartoon, I carried him to his bed. As I was about to leave the room hari moaned, “daddy…”. That night I slept in his bed, he slept holding my hand the same way shruthi does….

December 21, 2031

Ten more years passed by. Everything went in the same way, the way in which we have been celebrating over years. The things that were changing were the gifts I gave and his friends who attend the party. Only few remained constant. That year my gift was a Yamaha bike. I don’t know the model and all that, but that’s a brand new model with more bhp and cc power than ordinary ones. Hari liked it very much.
Usman this time bought her elder daughter to the party. At that time he doesn’t know that he was taking a step to transform our friendship in to a relationship. She came from Dubai last month. When she was 4, usman’s parents who stayed in Dubai asked to send her to them so that they will bought her up and also they need company of someone at that age. As usman’s wife was pregnant for the second time then Usman sent her daughter. Later usman had a boy. He named him razziq.
As hari got ready in his new suit and hurrying towards the cake, he was stuck by seeing her. Usman saw him and introduced him to her.
“Beti, this is hari, I used to tell you right, son of sanjiv uncle and hari this is my daughter harleem”, said usman making their hands shake. She was very beautiful and everyone in the party was all eyes to her beauty. She dressed in red Gogra choli, with light and simple gold ornaments. She was simply striking in the party. I can clearly see that hari was also lost to her. I held his hand and bought back to the party and we headed up to the cake.
After the cake cutting I, usman, harleem, hari sat on one table. After a while I and usman went to attend other guests leaving hari and harleem together. They started talking about themselves and became friends quickly. Both of them completed their degrees and looking for a college to do their MBA. Needless to say, they got admitted in to the same college.
Hari never hide anything from me, he always shared me everything. Even in case of harleem also. He told the things happened at college and how he teased her and all that stuff. Harleem also liked hari very much. I am waiting for the day to break the ice and talk to usman about them.  I thought it will be a tough task to do that, but it was not.

December 26, 2033

The day came and usman came to my college and asked for me. As I was in a session told him to wait in my room. As I entered the room later, he is very disturbed and wearing a perplexed face.
I asked him what is worrying him.
“You have to forgive me sanju, behalf of my daughter”, he started.
“Why, what happened?” I enquired knowing the answer beforehand.
“She is in love with hari it seems” usman said facing his head to his feat.
“Seems?  What made you think so? What happened? Tell me exactly” I demanded.
“I found this photo of hari and a letter in her book.”  Saying so, he handed me a photo and a letter.
Keeping the letter and photo aside, “Usman if you are not here today, I thought of coming to you tomorrow. I know this already, but don’t know how to discuss this with you. Ok anyways, behalf of Hareesh, as his father I would like you to ask to let him marry your daughter. I want her as my daughter in law. I beg you to accept my proposal. I will do any…….”
Before I complete usman jumped out of the chair and came to hug me.
“Thank you, sanjiv. Thank you very much. Even I wanted to ask the same behalf of harleem. I accept your proposal” he cried.
“Oh idiot, I have to thank you, because I thought, from your side it will be a problem.” I said.
“Yeah problem will be there with my relations and my parents. Don’t worry I will handle them. For now let’s celebrate. Let’s meet for dinner at our place. Come with you boy. I will come with my girl.” saying so usman rushed out.
I called hari and harleem on conference and told them what had happened.
Usman really took so much pain to convince his parents and relations. Some of them were not convinced and angry with him. After all we both wanted our children to be happy. They said that they will marry after the completion of their studies.

December 1, 2034

They completed their studies and got jobs. We are planning for the day to make their love in to a bond forever and transform our friendship to a relationship. Regarding the marriage, first they will marry according to Muslim tradition and then in Hindu tradition. As I enquired with our purohit, he gave me two options for the wedding day. 15th December and 21st December. I don’t want to put it on the later date, as I was in a fear that hari’s case will also end like me. So I fixed 15th December. But hari insisted to get married on the later date and he feels that his mother blessings will also be available that day with him, for his new life. I can’t argue with hari, he is as smart his mother and stubborn too.

December 21, 2034

The wedding day. Only few members from usman side attended the wedding as it was according to our tradition. However it went well and they got married. I stood there seeing them, can’t believe my eyes. Hari got married, to me he was still that small boy I carried him on my back and played all the day in our lawn. As I look beside I saw usman, almost like me. I thought he felt the same about harleem.

December 21, 2036

Harleem was pregnant. As the destiny was unable to find a better date for my family, it again chooses the same date for her delivery. This time I and hari both were waiting in the corridor. Hari, simply reflected myself 24 years back. But now I am going to become grandfather. Its charan my friend who did the delivery this time also. He came out and said that it’s a girl. Hari just acted the way I did earlier. I just got a chance to see myself in him once again. I thought I was so lucky.

Hari thought of naming her shruthi. Harleem added khanum to that. So they named the baby shruthi khanum.

June 16, 2038

Shruthi started speaking small small words like, ma , pa and hari, harleem were so happy to hear those words. On that day evening while I was busy in doing some gardening and shruthi was playing with some toys. Suddenly she started walking towards me and called “shanju…shanju…” in a sweet voice. I was more than shocked to hear that, throwing away the scissors in my hand and rushed towards her. I hugged her and kissed her, asked who taught her that word.
She again called “shanju …shanju” and went away playing with her toys.
“I taught her.”, answered harleem from the back.
No words to describe my happiness. I was just taken back by some 20 years by her.
I was so happy to have shruthi again in my life and I am seeing my son and daughter in law living happily……..


June 27, 2038

Hi this is Hareesh. My father died on June 16, the day he felt happiness for a life time. So he left us on the same night. Normal death during sleep.  Peacefully he left this world. While cleaning his room I found this dairy. For me it’s not just dairy. I just extracted the important parts of his life and put it here. Thanks for reading my father’s dairy.

Hareesh



PS : hi readers, most of you might thinking that what’s so special about that 21 December. I started this story when I was on bench. I was on bench for nearly three months.  Now I am to some project.  Coming to that 21 December, it’s my reporting date, in other words it’s the starting day of my bench days. Somehow I managed to end this story here. This is my first story. So here by, I welcome both comments and complements.

Dooms Day - My Day - Chapter – 8

A new beginning

Nearly 5 months passed by, I can’t come out of what had happened. It’s not a night mare to forget or a break up to move on. She was my friend when comes to sharing, my enemy to fight, mother to sooth, well wisher to advice, she was my everything, she was my wife. I can’t wipe off her or her memories. But I can’t be gloomy all the time, because shruthi hates that. Her soul will not be happy if I am not happy. But at the same time I can’t be happy. Only solution I came up was being busy all the time. Mornings getting ready with hari and dropping him at the day care center and running to office and collecting him back after office, playing with him for a while, feeding him by telling stories. Sometimes I took leave and spent some time with hari and friends, we went to some picnic kind day outs. In those days usman got married, last in our batch. Shruthi missed only his wedding, while she attended all others weddings.  Everything was going well, I am happy as I was keeping myself busy with something or the other. I can’t escape the nights. Nights became sleepless again. That’s the only time I can’t avoid myself thinking of shruthi as I was left alone having no company. She used sleep holding my hand tightly all the night. She used to speak about hari, our future and what naughty things hari did that day, about neighbors. Listening to all those things I used to sleep and now I have to accept the truth that I was not happy. I was trying to be happy. I am cheating myself and projecting to others that I was happy.

May 24, 2017

I was struggling in my bed to sleep, to add to my anguish there was a power cut. I thought it was a normal power cut in the hot summer. I went up to the window to get some cool air. There was a heavy wind blowing and stormy sky with black clouds. Wind brushed my hair and slowly it started raining. I felt the fragrance of mud as the first few drops hit the ground….
“Shruthi… shruthi…..” again my mind moaned.
She likes that smell very much. Thinking about her again I tried to sleep. No I can’t. I took my car keys and went up to the bar nearby and bought a bottle of vodka. I quit drinking after our marriage. Shruthi didn’t ask me to quit, but I quitted as she doesn’t like that. “sorry shruthi, please excuse me”, I shouted showing my first peg to her lively photograph hanging right opposite to my bed and started drinking. I don’t know when, where and how I slept.

May 25, 2017

 As I woke up, I was in bed under covers. I heard some women’s voice ,  I was not able to recognize even it  was a familiar tone because of dizziness.  After a while my mom came in to the room holding hari.
“Mom! You…?” I said in a low voice as I was unable to speak in a loud voice conveying my surprise. She put hari down and asked him to play in the hall handing him a toy. I felt a bit embarrassed as she came up to me. I held my head towards her feet.
“Why are you feeling guilty now?” she probed.
“Sorry ma.” I admitted.
“For what?” she said sitting next to me on the bed.
“For the drink, I shouldn’t have done that.” I appealed.
“Why did u drink?” she asked. I kept quiet.
“To forget shruthi?” she asked. I nodded saying yes.
“Did you forget her now?” she again stabbed me. I nodded saying no.
“Look in to my eyes and answer” she demanded.
“No” I shouted with bit anger.
“Oh then you need some more drink” she said as she poured some drink in to the glass.
“Is this enough or should I get one more bottle?” she asked.
I kept quiet as I was unable to answer her.
“No, right?  You can’t forget her. Then what is the use of drinking?” she snapped.
I got angry, got down the bet and about leave the room.
“Stop, come here, sit I want to talk to you” she commanded me; she was almost in tears when I turned back. I can’t with hold my emotions anymore. I rushed towards her crying and buried my face in her lap.  Tears came down my face, those tears I have been pushing down since months finally found their way out. I felt so much relaxed after that. Wiping off my tears and continued to sleep in her lap.
“Ok sanju, now I will ask some stupid questions, even though both of us know the answers you have to tell them out. Is that ok?” she asked.
“OK”
“Now what made you do all these things, drinking, feeling guilty and crying?”
“shruthi”
“What happened to her?”
“She is dead.”
“Is she out of your mind, your life, and your memories?”
“No”
“Now tell me what death is.”
“I don’t know”
“Ok, I will tell, if something doesn’t exist anymore in any form in any way, we can call it dead. Now tell me, is she really dead.”
“No, she is …. She is just physically missing”
“So you are just caring for her physical presence. Do you really love her?”
“Yes” I said very angrily.
“I know you love her. Every human being has to love someone or something. We can’t live on our own. At the least one has to love himself. I love you, you love shruthi, she loves you both and hari loves toys.  A miser love money. A kid loves his x-box. Parents love their children.Different forms of love with different kinds of targets but the substance is the same. It’s a feeling that makes you capable of doing anything and everything to pursue your love. Love won’t restrict itself between a teenage boy and a teenage girl. It’s everywhere. Everything is love. I know that you know all these things but you are not keeping them in mind. Nothing or no one can make you feel sorrow or grief for anything. It’s only you who is responsible for what you are and what you feel. Life is more of how you take it than how you make it. In this life very few things are actually left to you(i.e., how you make it) and of course they are important things. But there are many small things which don’t depend on your actions(i.e., how you take it). Now coming to shruthi, you just lost her physical trace. Her soul is here itself, do you believe that?”
“Yes”
“Now what you all need is her physical trace right? Come with me”, she held my hand and took me to the terrace.
“See the sky, feel the breeze, hear to the birds. She is here there everywhere. If you can feel you can see her in every person in this world. If you see clearly the world is simply filled with shruthi. Every place you go, whatever you see, eat, feel you will be able to recollect something related to her. Even she can’t leave you all alone, so she remained here, all you need to do is identify her.”
“Ok, let me tell you in your favorite language, Physics. She just transformed her soul from the body you are familiar with to this whole world. Now change your target of love. Now shruthi is the world. Feel like that since it falls in the how you take it category. You have nothing to do with her death. From now the world is your shruthi. See she took many forms to reach you and she loves you more than ever. You should now prove your love by pouring out more and more love to please her. Love this world now, every part of it. It’s not so easy to do that. This world is like a mirror. You love it, it loves you back. You hate it, it does the same. The more you give, the more you get. In that way you got a chance to make more and more love to this world”
“In Sanskrit they say sarvejanah sukhinobhavanthu. God wants everyone to be happy. Now you are going to do the same what god did, love the world (shruthi), wish everyone should be happy and strive for it. Automatically you will find yourself in that everyone. You will be happy, really happy from the heart.”
“But can I do it? How can I act like god? How can I make everyone happy? I can’t do that. I am not god.”
“God helps those who helps themselves. Do you believe that?”
“Yes”
“What does that mean, God is helping people who are selfish. You are striving for others and why do you feel that he won’t help you. He will be with you sanju. You help others, God will help you.”
I was not completely convinced by what she had said.
“Ok, let me take the help of physics again. What is Huygens principle?”
“Now why do you want that ma?”
“At the beginning only I told you, even if both of us know the answer, you need to tell it out.” She reminded.
“Ok, it states that light travels in form of wave fronts. From the source we will get primary wave front. Every point on primary wave front acts as a light source and thus again forming its own primary wave front and so on, thus light is propagated.”
“Exactly, same way I am not asking you to directly go to everyone and asking you to make them happy. Try to fill in happiness in the people around you. They will propagate it to others. It will continue and the world will be happy. May not be completely at least partial. It’s so practical right no one can love anyone completely i.e., hundred percent.”
I was just shocked by her application. Logically I was cornered and I have to agree to what she said.
“I am not saying that become a social worker or saint. You live your own life and try to fill in happiness in people’s lives that you pass by. From now you should act more sensible. Whatever feeling you come across anger, sympathy, love, hatred; hold on that for a while, stay calm think from every corner and then act with a smile. It will be good for you, and for the people around you.”
She hugged me and said “Go get ready, you are running late.” She slammed the door saying breakfast was ready.
I got ready and had a good breakfast after a long time with hari and my mother. Dropping him at the day care center, I continued thinking about what mom said. Yes she was correct. Even though she was logical, after all she wants to see me happy. Yes I will start following her words. Yes, it’s time to move on. Piling up one more gear and pressing the accelerator my car reached 100 kmph speed. Still I don’t know where to start and how to start. Thinking about that I reached the office. It’s in a mess and people are running here and there. I crossed them with a broad smile greeting good morning. As I turned on my system many mails are waiting for me from my manager regarding some bugs and deadlines. It’s a very common e-mail that a Team lead like me receives. My boss came to my cabin and started speaking something and I didn’t listen to what he said but was able to figure out that there was critical bug needs to be fixed by the end of the day. As he left, I started searching for an old document which I typed on the day of my joining. I printed it and gave it to my boss.
“What? Resignation!? ” at this time, he shouted in surprise. I gave him a calm smile and slipped through the door gently pulling off my tie knot I ran to the parking lot and jumped into my car.
I collected hari from the day care and we went to a movie along with my mom, then to a park followed by a restaurant and ended our day with an ice cream in the parlor nearby our house. I went to bed happily that night after hari slept. My mom came in and asked “So what are you going to do from tomorrow?”
“I am going to live happily and make people around me happy and fill light in their lives by pouring knowledge in their lives. And I will help them solve their problems and I will……..”
“Hey what are you going ………..” she snapped my voice.
“Lecturer”, I snapped her voice this time.
She wished good night and closed the door.
Lecturer, yes I am going to be a lecturer from the next day. My favorite job, I have been waiting for so long to take up. I took software engineer job to support my family initially and on the joining day itself I decided to quit it after 35. But it was written that I have to quit it 5 years earlier an I am very happy that day was proponed.

May 26, 2017

Through a friend of ravi, who was already working in an engineering college I managed to face an interview and I got the job. Obviously my profile will get it. As it was May, holiday time, I got some time to brush up the subjects and my teaching skills. Class will be starting from June. Till then I kept my time playing with hari, teaching him alphabets and having a glimpse of text books I need to teach. Hari also needs an admission in to school this June.

June 12, 2017

Normally that day will be the reopening day for every school. I woke up early that day and helped hari getting ready. He looked so great in his new school uniform. For a minute I thought shruthi must have seen him like this. I kissed him and after the breakfast we headed up to the school. I thought hari would cry and don’t listen to my words. But he is absolutely happy about school and more anxious to go to school.
I walked holding his hand in the campus for a while. As we reached a building, he left my hand and said “You go daddy, or you will be late, I will manage to find my class” in a sugar coated voice with a proud smile. I was shocked by his attitude and his spirit. I fell on my knees, hugged him and let him do what he wanted to. He ran through the corridor and asked someone about his class and was able to find it. I just followed him without falling under his eye to see whether he was right or not. Yes he did it. From then, I never stopped him doing what he wanted. I always guided him, told him what is wrong and right and how to do things. He acted so mature all the time and never let me down. He always behaves 2 or 3 years elder than what he really was.
The same day I started my going to college and I convinced the principal that I can teach physics to first year students apart from programming stuff to remaining year students. That week was an official opening for the college and actual college starts from next week.

19 June, 2017

My first class to first year students was physics apart form 3 more classes to the 3rd and 4th years. I entered the class and went up to the board directly, put the heading as SOUND and started delivering lecture, slowly the murmuring sound decreased and there was an absolute silence among the students.
Then I turned to the class and said “My dear benches and walls … is everything ok up to now.”
Everyone was wearing a puzzled look. “Then what should I call you people, you are as silent as benches and walls, not daring to speak in class and interrupt me. You don’t know me right? Then you have to question who am I? And ask me to introduce myself. You just sat with an awful respect. To learn something you should have enthusiasm. When you have that enthusiasm you can’t keep quiet like this. You should be talking; discussing, giggling and poke me with questions and you should make my job difficult. I hate this kind of silent class. Now can I have some noise?”
“Yes “shouted some of the last benchers.
“Can I have a louder yes please.” I asked. This time there was uproar in the class and everyone shouted.
“Good, that’s what I want. My name is sanjiv and I am here to teach you physics. Before I start off again please introduce yourselves.”
After they were done I started again.
“Physics, the king of subjects and it’s a beautiful subject. It’s more beautiful than Aishwarya rai.” They started laughing and murmuring. “Yea what I have said is correct and you will agree with me as we went by. And I always want my class like this only, energetic and enthusiastic.” Everyone smiled and nodded as they agreed for what I asked for. They accepted me as their lecturer and most of my classes were used to be in the same way as of my first class.
Apart from teaching, class rooms and subjects, because of my mingling nature students found me very approachable and share their problems with me regarding class, subjects, their victories or personal life problems. I also not restricted myself as a lecturer; many times I counseled students and was able to bring them out of their inhibitions and fears.
Yes I started living happily and making lives of people happy around me.
Yes I did what my mom wanted me to.
I did it……….. I love you shruthi…………..

Dooms Day - My Day - Chapter – 7

I LOVE YOU 

December 21, 2016

I slept on the sofa itself that night. Sun rays find their way through the oval shaped large window as shruthi cleared the curtain with an intension to wake me up. As I rubbed my eyes to see clearly, she was in white color slips, she is gorgeous. Shruthi walked up to me with a good morning smile. I stretched my arms asking for a hug. She climbed the sofa on her knees and hugged me wrapping her hands around my head towards her heart. I too locked her tightly around her hip. “I LOVE YOU”, she said. “LOVE YOU TOO”, I said making my hands more closely and said “happy birthday”. “Same to you” she said kissing me on fore head, brushing my hair.

“Get up, go shave and have a shower quickly or you may be late. Go early come early in the evening. I have planned a lot for the evening”, she said rushing towards hari’s bedroom. I followed her and we both wished him happy birthday. He was still so young and not able to remember his birthday. I thought from next year he will be able to do so and even he would wish both of us also. I had a quick break fast and about to leave. ”speak to the boss about my rejoin. I will mail him from my side”, said shruthi closing the door.
Capping my ear with Bluetooth, I drove my car. As expected many of my friends and relatives called me and wished me. I reached the office and my teammates also wished me. I went to my boss to speak about shruthi. He agreed and passed an order to send her an offer letter. At lunch I had a small party with my colleagues. Shruthi messaged me to leave the office at 4. She was going to the parlor along with hari. We have to go to temple by 6 and followed by a party.
I m almost done with my work by 3.30 itself and took permission to leave. As there was some time left out I took a nap for a while.
“Madhuram, madhuram, madhuram, madhuram “ ,my phone ring tone cut my nap down. It’s from shruthi. “Hey I m done, I will be starting in 15 min” I said as I answered the phone. But it was not shruthi to whom was I speaking to. “Sir this is simhachalam, a private watchman. Your wife met with an accident at 3rd cross. We are taking her to the Apollo hospital near by. Come quickly sir”, he ended.
I was stunned to hear that and my heart nearly skipped a beat. I dropped my mobile, I was tensed up, I started sweating and I was out of my mind for a minute. Wiping off the sweat I got to my feet and rushed towards the hospital. It was the same hospital where hari was born. I hope charan will be there to see after her. Damn bloody traffic jam at 4 o clock. While driving I tried to call to shruthi’s mobile but it was unanswered for a while and later switched off. Many thoughts started filling my mind, unable to drive through the heavy traffic, not capable of changing gears also, my hands were sweating and gone weak. It was almost the same ride I experienced 4 years back on the night of shruthi’s delivery. But this time it was of more pain and tension. Hoping that nothing will happen to her I reached the hospital. I dashed towards the reception and asked for shruthi. They said that no one enrolled with that name yet. One accident case was being treated in 1st floor which haven’t registered.
Having nothing to do I quickly climbed the steps. Again the same hospital aura, smell of medicines and people shouting in agony. I felt some one drenching out my soul out of my body. People were moving around me, I felt everything strange. I stood there with no clue whom to ask. No sign of shruthi. I started running through the corridors and going in to every room desperately searching for her. Finally I lost myself and crumpled on to a chair. Then I saw hari crying and was unattended at the corner. I got to my feet and rushed towards him. I fell on my knees and hugged him, kissed him all over his face and checked whether he was injured. He was perfectly alright. I asked him where was shruthi. He pointed his little index finger towards a long corridor. The sign board on the starting of corridor read
PHARMACY – straight & right.
DORMITORY – straight and left.
X- RAY  - left
BLOOD BANK – straight and second left.
MORTUARY – straight.
I was taken aback by the last direction, leaving hari there itself I started walking in the long corridor, still with a small hope. I can’t take this. My heart weighed over a ton. I can’t even walk then, my legs turned to be heavy and I slowly pondered on the corridor. I was out of my mind and just walking like a robot (can’t listen, can’t feel) toward the mortuary. I went up to the door.
“sanju ,sanju…” shruthi shook back to me the world. She was in front me and shaking both of my shoulders. I can’t believe that. “What happened to you? I have been calling you since you passed the pharmacy wing and you are not listening. Are you ok?”
She was perfectly ok. I just can’t express the feeling I felt that moment. Shruthi was there for me. I got my senses back. I hugged her and tried to feel her all at once and started crying. She rubbed my back with her soft arms and said “it’s ok, calm down, see nothing happened to me. I am perfectly alright. It’s a small accident”.
There was a small band aid like thing on her head. “What is this? is it paining?” I asked. “Relax; I hit a tree in order to avoid dashing a boy, that time my head was pressed a bit hard towards the steering wheel.  I lost my consciousness. That’s it”. “No, we have to check it, we need to get a X-ray of it. Come let’s go”, I said. “Yea it’s already done.  Charan is already here and he was looking in to this. Reports will come by tomorrow morning. He examined me and said nothing to worry. Come let’s go home.” Shruthi told as she took my hand and lead me through the corridor. Hari, mean while got a nurse to play with. Shruthi took his hand and we started to leave the hospital.
But something still bothering me, I was more than happy that both of them were safe. But I was no completely back to my mind. I was so depressed and can’t come out of it completely. One of the reasons might be about the X-ray reports. I hoped it will be normal. Shruthi didn’t leave my hand through out the way to hospital entrance. I was not in a position to drive. Shruthi who knows me well more than me asked for the keys.
“No, I will drive, its ok now.” I said.
“Its ok, relax. I will drive”, she insisted and took the keys. I parked the car on the other side of the road as it was messy at the gate when I arrived. Shruthi left us at the gate and said “stay here, I will bring the car.” I didn’t respond. I gave her a blank look. She came close and hugged me, “I am fine. Don’t worry”.
She started crossing the road and turned to look at me in between and she resumed crossing the road…………….

“NO……” I shouted as hard as I can, seeing the most cruel move made by god.
Shruthi was knocked off by a lorry. As she was looking back at me, she didn’t observe the lorry heading up to her. She was thrown around 10ft away from the place she was standing. I ran towards her and took her in my arms. She was bleeding as her head and chest part was completely busted by the lorry and the road. Her limbs were also curled up indicating a breakage in bones. Carrying her in my arms I ran towards the emergency ward and shouted for help. Immediately few ward boys came with a stretcher and we headed up to the operation theater. She was not moaning in pain, I thought she was not even feeling the pain. She kept looking at me as we ran through the corridors. She held my hand tightly which was soaked in blood. “I LOVE YOU” , she said. Slowly her grip was loosened and we came near the operation theater. No use. She was no more. My shruthi was no more……

“I LOVE YOU” those were the first and last words of her that day. Even I thought that was the last word of my life and wanted to kill myself. I collapsed on the floor and started hitting the floor in vain and shouted in pain. I asked god why only she, why not me? My questions were unanswered.
Next day her body was kept in our lawn. Many of my relatives and friends came to convey their condolences and spoke something to make me feel better. I sat near her in the lawn seeing her body. Not even a single tear fell out of my eyes. I felt like my life was also ended. I just didn’t want to live anymore. I was not able to see, feel or hear anything. Vacuum surrounded me.
“Daddy, Daddy…”said hari, sobbing and chaffing my chin with his little fingers to get my attention.
“Mom is not speaking to me daddy, she is sleeping. Wake her up daddy”, his words pierced the vacuum around me. I felt a small hope to live, hari. I hugged him closely to my heart and tears finally found their way out of me and I started crying like a kid even more than hari.
I felt hari was the only one left out for me. She left both of us with no clue how to pursue our rest of lives. I decided, from then every moment of life was going to be because of hari, for hari and by hari. We went to the burial ground for the last rites. She was there lying on the pile of fire woods happily and going to leave us alone forever.
After few days I with my friends and hari went to the grave yard where her tomb was made up of marble. My 6 years of life was enclosed in 6’ 5” X 2 ‘3” tomb.
I lean on her grave to feel her and lost myself. When I got up I saw hari in Wilson’s hands. He was a bit confused and a bit depressed. I thought he might have a notion but don’t know what exactly happened to his mother. I smiled at him and said “Let’s go home and play cricket.”
He quickly changed his confused face to smiling face and started laughing.
I can’t forget that smile till today, which gave me a cause to live……

Dooms Day - My Day -Chapter -6

MY BOY

December 21, 2012.

A heavy storm brought me back to the hospital chair. The rain was almost faded leaving the entire scene in silence. Raindrops falling along the window making a splash sound was the only sound that echoed in the corridors. A baby’s cry shattered the silence. I thought that’s my baby. I looked at my watch its 11.55pm.
My friend came outside the operation theater and said “congrats! It’s a boy. A perfectly healthy boy. He was taken over to the incubator wing. Please wait for a while a nurse will come and take you to him.”
I sat back on the chair and started thinking about the day. “It’s Dec 21, my birthday, my wife’s birthday, our wedding anniversary and now my boy’s birthday also.” What a day it was in my life. I don’t know who told its going to be end of universe, its dooms day and all. But for me it’s the beginning of a new era in my life. I had a son. It is no more dooms day for me, it’s my day, truly and completely.
After a while a nurse came to me and said that I can see the boy. I followed her to a room where shruthi was still unconscious and my boy lay next to her in a cradle. I walked up to him slowly. The very sight of him made me ecstatic. He closed his eyes tightly and held his right hand downwards with fingers clutched and left hand faced upwards holding the white cloth in which he was wrapped. His legs were bent and looked very soft.  He held his right leg finger tightly except the thumb finger and his left leg completely relaxed. He was so handsome.  He smiled at me with out opening his eyes. I thought angels might have kissed my boy. I thought of kissing him, but I refrained myself as it may hurt his tender skin and I was also wet and not hygiene as I was wet in rain. I looked at shruthi she was trying to open her eyes. She tried to raise herself and wanted to have a look at the baby. I helped her to sit and showed the baby. ”See how handsome he is, he takes after you”, I said gripping her hand.  She felt the same and tears rolled out of her eyes. I wiped them off and kissed her on her forehead. “You won!  We got a boy. I lost; tell me what do you want me to do?” I enquired. She held my hand tightly this time and sighed that she wanted that happiness forever in her life. I brushed her hair, hugging her i conveyed that I will keep my word and make life more beautiful and happier for her.
Next day morning my mother- in- law arrived at the hospital and I went home to fresh up. I telephoned every one of my relatives and friends and quickly returned to the hospital.Most of my relatives and friends visited the hospital, everyone complemented “you got beautiful child!” Every time people said that I went back to the moment when I first saw him. “Shruthi is doing good and as it was a normal delivery she can be discharged in 3, 4 days ”, said the doctor. Generally I hate hospital aura, the smell of medicines and the long white pale corridors and people suffering from various ailments. Those things always take my mood away. That was the first time I felt nothing wrong with the hospital, no smell of medicines and perfectly happy aura, long pale corridors turned to be the way leading to happiness. Those 3, 4 days passed very quickly and we were back to home with our boy.
Again we started quarrelling, this time regarding name to be kept for our boy. She comes with something and I with something other. Thousands of names went by and finally after 2 weeks struggle we landed on “HAREESH”. We passed the name to our parents for the traditional check basing on the date, time of birth and all those stuff. They said that it was a good choice and it matches with his astrology and the meaning of the name is hanuman. Great everything came into our way. I got promotion in office and got hike in salary and work .
After 3 months shruthi’s Maternity leave was over. She has to get back to the job. I didn’t want her to sit at home idle, but at the same time I need her to take care of our boy. I was in dilemma. But shruthi was not. She resigned the job and kept herself at home to take care of our boy. He is the upshot of our love; we don’t want to leave him alone in baby day cares. I admire her for these kind of decisions. Every time when I was in any dilemma she takes the very right step boldly and confidently.  She always beats me in decision making. I was so happy for that. She started taking care of hari and I continued going to office.
4 years went by. No change in shruthi. She was just the same shruthi when we had our baby. But I changed a lot and even I don’t know that. Over these years I was going higher and higher in the company. Earlier I was very clear in what I am doing and maintained a balanced life at office and home. As my level cultivated up without my knowledge I started working late hours. May be with a greedy thought that I should earn more money to keep my family happy, forgetting the very basic thing that my family need me more than my money to be happy. My frequency of calling her decreased, even if she calls, I spoke very few words and hung up as I was busy most of the time. 4 years back when hari was born, I thought I would do anything and everything for him. But now I was not even playing with him much. Only time I got was on week ends that too if I was not sleeping I was able to take out some time for him.
Slowly I became a machine like thing earning money. I hated myself for that period of my life. Shruthi, clever girl she observed everything, but she never stopped me and allowed me to what I was up to.  She wanted me to realize myself. That day came very soon.

December 20, 2016

I was hurrying at the dining table to quickly finish my breakfast as I have to leave early that day because of some bloody meeting preparation. The earlier night I had a very bad head ache; didn't slept properly and was really in a bad mood. Shruthi had no idea of my condition and tried to remind me about the next day. I didn’t listen to her and she kept talking…. “Sanju? Are you listening to what I am speaking?” she said as she tapped on my head.
I got angry and smashed the dishes away and shouted “how dare you….. You idiot. Never repeat this.” I walked up to my room packed quickly my things, got my feet in to the shoes and jumped outside without even saying a bye to her. She was sitting in a sofa. She was lost and looking some where. Hari was crying and I didn’t even care to check why he was crying. I took my car keys headed towards office. I just recollected what had happened. After a few minutes I stopped my car and I took a U turn to home. I was angry on myself for what I have just done. I felt guilty and I have to apologize her.
I reached home quickly and rushed towards the main door without even locking the car. As I went in she was there cleaning the table and picking the dishes that fell around the table. She looked at me, with a broad smile she said, “See what you have done? Stupid”. I was more than shocked she should be angry with me but how come she talks like that with a cool smile as if nothing had happened. I went up to her and hugged her tightly and said “I am sorry, I shouldn’t have done like that, I am an idiot, I deserve punishment”. I took her hand and slapped myself. She withdrawn her hand and hugged me saying “its ok, calm down, I can understand. I can figure out that you are having a tough time at office. It’s ok”. She started crying, I don’t know whether they are tears of happiness or sorrow my eyes got wet.
She released me and cleaned my face with her duppata and said, “you are running late. Go to office. We will go out for dinner today”. Everything went fine that day and I came home early that day, we went to a restaurant for dinner.
As we entered the bed room, I started the conversation.
“Aren’t you angry with me for what happened this morning?”
“hmm… I was but that just for a moment; I quickly came out of that. I thought you are having some problems at office. Life is short, forgive quickly and be friendly. Your words only”, she said winking at me.
“I will come to office from day after tomorrow. I enquired about play school for hari. I want to spend more time with you like before. I want to help you in the office also. Anyways after 5 months we need to admit him in to a school right?” said shruthi.
I didn’t say anything, just nodded to say its ok.
“How shruthi, you always make right decisions when I am in dilemma?” I enquired.
“No, I can’t tell you ,it’s a secret. But today I am going to tell you the secret. The thing is when you have to decide something you think about well being of me and hari and think about what will be the best to choose. You will be in dilemma if the path you have to choose is 50-50 choice. But when it comes to me, I never care to think about the choice. I just blindly select the second choice. Because, by the time you gave me the choice you will eliminate the bad ones. I just trust you blindly”, she said leveling the pillow covers.
I smiled at her and lay on the bed. She said good night and slept. I was unable to sleep and sat on the sofa thinking about that day. Till today I hate myself for loosing my patience and hurting her badly on that day. Its not just I hurt her, I hurt myself also that day as she was a part of me. But on the other hand I was very happy about the same moment which gave me a chance to realize and see where I was heading up to. I remembered the promise I made when hari was born. "I will keep you happy forever".
I slept with the determination, “yes I will keep her happy”.
The next day was going to be a BIG day in my life. Our birthdays and our wedding anniversary.  I slept thinking about the next day…….